i miss who i used to be.

today is just one of those days.

I told karlee that she and i are eskimo sisters the other day. when she and i and dillon all hung out. i think she was sad but i think she was also okay and knew it all along. dillon was in the car which was awkward. i texted dillon after and this is the conversation that ensued. the first text from me is in refernce to whether dillon or jason were better in bed.
yes, i typed it all out.
yes, i know that it's unhealthy and mildly obsessive.
no, i dont know how to fix myself.


s- could probably never say it to your face but, You were better.

d: figured as much. we did have a lot more. i think.

s- Ha. quality, i genuinely cared about you.

d: yes. definitely. feelings are still there. for me at least

s- That threw me for a loop. I thought you were completely over it.

d: i was hoping they'd be gone, or at least more subtle, but everytime i see you they're there and it's hard to ignore

s- I know that feeling. I've been trying but nights like tonight make it hard to forget

d: and it's not even like i dont like it. they're enjoyable feelings. i just dont like not being able to act on them.

s- Haha, i know that feeling too. just bad circumstances i suppose. Nice to know i'm not the only one. it sucking thinking you didnt care or still notice me.

d: oh no no. never really stopped. sadly. ha

s- so what do we do? any ideas?

d: There's really nothing that can be done. i dunno. i dont want to leave mackenzie, and i doubt you'd want to get in between that anyways. It just sucks.

s- I dont want to get between that. did that with demi, didnt go well. just hoping you'd know how to make all this go away. i've tried quite a few things and they're not helping. matt is the closest thing to making me feel better and he is just a friend.

d: That's what really led me to this realization. You being so close with him, and tyler even, bothers me. i dunno. I'm just sorry for the whole thing.

s- Me too. it's like i said tonight though, i cant fault you for it. i left and you moved on.

d: Totally. Still its all a terrible situation. Just wish it was easier to work out.

s- It's cause we never got break up sex. ruined it, lol.
s- had to lighten the mood. feeling too helpless.

d: Hahahh. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ABOUT THAT.

s- i've heard about it okay. and apparently it helps

d: i dunno. it just keeps the feelings there, so its no good for breaking up.

s- i wasnt trying to initiate. i realized how that sounded belatedly. sorry. lol.

d: Hah, no worries. i know you well enough. i know what you meant!

s- okay good i like that. forgot what it was like to have a guy understand me. honest truth, would you rather i had stayed in cali?

d: yes. despair is in the air.

s- what does that mean?
d: i would rather you had come back sooner or not left home.

d: if you hadnt left, we'd still be together. If you had come back sooner, i wouldnt be with mackenzie


s- i think i got a text out of order i understand now. more honesty, why did you decide to stay with her?

d: im honestly into her. She's a nice girl, and i gave up the opportunity to date her in my freshman year and i didnt want to let it pass again.

s- That's understandable. I'm sorry me being friends with matt bothers you. he was yours first do you want me to back off?

d: Dont back off. you two help each other. i see that. just try not to see him too much. like i said, he's easily influenced, and it could go bad easily.

s- Go bad? like im a bad influence?

d: just. i dont know how else to describe it. attached i guess

s- oh. you dont want me to break his heart?

d: Hah. Sorta. Hard to explain!

s- Okay. im confused but i'll go with what i understand. should probably get to bed. but im happy we talked about all this. still sucks but more bearable.

d: Yes. I'm glad i saw you tonight, and we got all of that out of the way. Now we just need to find a solution. Ha.

s- Over star trek someday, we'll discuss this further. lol.

d: Keep pestering me about it and it'll happen eventually (:

s- I've found thats the best way to get what i want from you. though i'll get discouraged if we make it to january without watching it

d: It'll happen! Dont you worry. We just need to set a date.

s- pick a day. we'll both request it off.

d: Either monday or wednesday of next week.

s- Not this week but next? monday! deal?


d: Sure. There's no chance to ask it off though! Fingers crossed? Ha

s- shift changes are always possible... it will happen.

d: Hmm. Alright. Have a ps3/bluray player?

s- no, but after christmas i will. talk more at a later date. i meant to go to bed 5 texts ago. chels and i are sleeping together and she is now glaring at me.

d: Hah. Fair enough. Sweet dreams, and goodnight! same to her too!




Why can it never truly be the end for us? why cant i just walk away. when will he stop hurting me EVERYTIME i give him the opportunity?

Tags: dillon

so i got my period. yay! done playin that game.

matt sharp and i are going on an unofficial date on saturday. im excited.

dillon and i are either going to have really good sex on monday or be done forever. if nothing happens that day im going to give up and let myself move on to bettter things. I truly do believe matt sharp is better for me but my heart still refuses to give itself to anyone that's not dillon. so we'll see.

Melissa comes home soon. not soon enough, but soon. just biding my time.

jessica as well, though i fear that i no longer know who she is. she's changed into someone i hardly recognize. i hurt for her and i hurt for what she's lost and what she's going to continue to lose. Getting to know her again is a challenge im up to i just dont know where to start

chelsea and i are still getting along splendidly. she becomes more and more like my sister everyday. even matt sharp couldnt tell our voices apart and i seem to find myself talking to him everyday.

Tyler and matt are no longer talking at this point. i dont know what tyler is pitching a fit about now but whatthefuckever. he can go fuck himself. He's being a whiny two year old douche. i regret everything i ever did with him. i was ridiculous to think him intriguing. he's a sad pathetic tragedy and the sooner he figures that out and stops trying to make himself a fuckin martyr with no cause the better.

Alyssa came over and we had some coconut rum. it was good times. i like her. i feel bad for going out with josh but i feel like i cant tell her about it. i dunno. there's this elephant in the room and i hate it.

Tags: dillon, matt sharp, tyler

hey, i know life how about you just SUCK! all of a sudden and ruin all of my plotting and plnas. would you like a list of how to do this? okay, i'll give you one

1) make my heart melt everytime i see dillon to the point where i kiss him at work not once but twice! let that fuck with my mind for awhile
2) make matt sharp a-fuckng-dorable and let me fall asleep on his bed with him holding me. make me so comfortable with him that i can do that. but make sure that he's still thinking about getting back with his girlfriend. make sure that i feel like im not good enough.
3) allow me to forget my tarot cards at matt's house thus making me stop by and pick them up while tyler was there which inevitbly raises some questions because tyler didnt know we'd been hanging out.
4) Make tyler be a possessive prick and actually have the audacity to facebook chat me and tell me that i cant date Matt Sharp. that i CANT FUCKING DATE MATT SHARP! not entirely where the fuck he gets off but whatever. and then maybe i'll freak out and be like "fuck you no one tells me what i can or cannot do. you dont want to date me so step aside for someone who can" and then he decides to continue the pompous prickery and tell me that it would hurt him. that he cared about me. that it would actually matter to him! FUCK HIM! he can hook up with my best friend but i cant with his? FUCK THAT LOGIC! and FUCK TYLER NAYLOR!! not to mention the part where he's treated me like shit up until this point, he cant just swap sides! GAHHH! im not a fire hydrant to be peed on.
5) oh and on top of my boy drama with that triangle of friends lets throw into the fact that i havent gotten my period in 2 months and i might be pregnant with jasons child! yay me. and because i havet gotten my period im getting all the symptoms of no period which also coincide with being pregnant so im terrified.

and in the end, Life didnt need that list of how to suck because it's already doing everything on it! plus more!!

FL- not just fuck my life, fuck life.

Tags: tyler

yesterday was my ninteenth birthday. :D

i spent the first half of it working a 12 to 8 concession shift. with dillon as one of my TLs and alyssa as the register next to me. she and i girl talked all day

justin stopped by and gave me a card
ben1 texted me happy birthday
tyler naylor texted me
jess texted me
buddy texted me
rachael texted me
mr. dwyer texted me
and some random number that i definitely do not know texted me (lolz)

it was a good day.
my mom brought the kids by and they gave me presents, it was very sweet
and my dad sent me an email saying that he'd be waiting when i wanted to come back (as if i would ever)

after work i read alyssa's tarot cards abou josh (this guy who is pretty much the equivalnt of her dillon)
and dillon let me do his about matt sharp and mackenzie.
then we all went to in n out and melissa's (not in that order)
and then to my first hookah bar
pretty much kissed alyssa and melissa. good times.
was going to get drunk but chels denied me that one
so i lied and said we were just us girls gonna go to the mountain. def texted tyler and dillon to meet us. i was very very very horny and really just wanted to fuck dillon. that didnt happen. if we'd been alone it might've. it was weird being around tyler naylor and dillon at the same time. I dont know why i did that one to myself.

we all hung out on the mountain for a while and then us girls peaced it to denny's.
chels and i got into a little spat. which we worked out but i realized that im really having a hard time with getting my life together and im not as good as i thought. and it's hurting chelsea which isnt okay.

Then we came home and pretty much crashed. i did a reading on me and dillon and it told me i needed to let go. to learn from what happened and grow from it not in age but in wisdom. the cards know me well. lol.

eventually we all went to sleep. chels in her bed, melissa on the couch and alyssa, jessica and i on the floor. it was a good sleeping arrangement and before long i was out.

melissa and alyssa are actually still asleep in my room, i took chels to work and jess home.

im exhausted and really dont feel up to working today but i know i have to.

overall this was definitely a better birthday than last year when i was all mono-ed up

p.s. totally forgot about the epic sing along in the car. i love my girls!

Current Mood: satisfied

so i have my girlies back.
i didnt realize how well i click with melissa. even when she's delirious we play off of each other and almost accidentally exclude everyone else. i also realized last night that we are eskimo sisters now. it pains me that tyler naylor was the one to bring that about but i've done stupider things and so has she. lol. long story short i am happy she's home and refuse to get sad about her leaving again until she's already gone. I REFUSE

Jessica is back too. she's not doing well. she's trying to convince herself that she is but she's a mess. THere's a sadness and depth to her eyes that didnt used to be there and i dont know how to make that go away. i think she's at a point where i cant help her, she's got to do it on her own and just have to be there to catch her if she falls.

Chelsea and i still seemed to be getting along. i think the fact that we are wired so differenty especially in reference to guys is going to be a problem here soon but as of now it hasnt so it might be okay.

oh and im dating zach tatum now. lolz

so i had a self esteem fail today.

i let myself get giggly over a boy who had no right to be giggled over. a guy who, for all intents and purposes, i've already dated. a guy who cuddled with me in a movie theater last night and for some stupid reason my brain decided that meant something and then proceeded to analyze the fuck out of and decide that i should hop right into a relationship.

and then i kind of smacked myself in the face with the realization that i didnt want him. that i didnt even want to be in a relationship and that while the cuddling was great the aftermath just sucks. the stress, the heartache, the vulnerability.... everything that goes with a relationship terrifies the shit out of me right now.
to be real, all i want is a friend with benefits. that's all i want and really all i need, if that.

but back to my self esteem fail, it came when i realized that yet again i put myself in a situation where i was not the desired one. i was not the one worth going after and putting everything on the line for. i wasnt the girl that the guy HAD to be with, nor was i the only one he saw. i was one of many. MANY. and i wasnt even the favorite. for some reason taht hit me really hard.

this next part is going to be really sappy but i have the best friends. they both let me say what i neeeded to say about feeling inadequate and inferior and then told me exactly why i was wrong with some stuff and why i was right with the rest.

it goes back to me picking the unattainable boys. the ones that i know will hurt me.

i want to right more but it's 2 am and i have to wake up in... 4 hours. :/

i have been in and out of tears for the past 3 hours. i cant stop feeling. i cant shut it down.
i just got done watchig the fountain. a movie which until now i've neve understood. a movie that usually seemed like crack but now i understand it. now it hurts to watch. the anguish and despair that hugh jackmans character feels at losing the woman he loves.

My heart aches. my mind is racing and i dont know what to do with myself. i have no one left to go to for solace. reading doesnt make it go away, venting about it doesnt help, crying wont stop anything, i dont know what to do. i dont know where to go

i think that it's about dillon. i think that im just a stressball about seeing him tomorrow. i think that coupled with the dream ihad about him and the loneliness i've been feeling is making me an emotional wreck.

dillon is a riddle with no answer, and i am tired of playing a game i cannot win.

but i think dillon is just the outlet that im allowng right now.for the pain that im feeling about everything.

i dont think im going to sleep tonight.

i texted

im going to be in arizona on wednesday.

jenny called
i said hi
she said - hi is this sarah,
i said yeah
she siaid, hi this is jasons girlfriend jenny and i would appreciate it if you would stop calling and texting him cause he wants nothing to do with you
i said- oh okay well im friends with his roommate so that's probably not going to happen
she said- welll i'd appreciate it if you'd leave him alone and fuck off
i said- well if thats what he wants he can tell me that himself
she went and got him
he said-- hi
i said- hi so you dont want anything to do with me
he said- yep
i said- can i still talk to ben or is that not allowed either?
he said- i dont care what you do with ben
i said - okay bye then
he said- bye
i hung up

Tags: jason, the end

and dillon cares about you. he was pretty bummed when you moved away. because he did dig you. but then you moved away..and he started talking to mackenzie, and now they're dating, and he doesn't know how to act around you. because it can't be like it was befoe.